SMS Dictionary

A student asks a teacher, “What is love?”

The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.”

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one… But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, “…this is love… You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person….”

“What is marriage then?” the student asked.

The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.”

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, “this time you bring back a corn…. You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. This is marriage.”*

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.
Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

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Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

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Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

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Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

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Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

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That’s Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

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Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

One Bengali is a poet.
Two Bengalis is a film society.
Three Bengalis is a political party.
Four Bengalis is two political parties.

One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local
McDonalds. Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one.

One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is caste killing.
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of Patna.

One Mallu is a coconut stall.
Two Mallus is a boat race.
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus is an oil slick.

One UP bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas is a destruction squad!!

One Gujju is a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus is a rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus is Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus is a stock market scam.

One Andhraite is a chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites is a software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is a song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

One Kashmiri is a carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris is a shoot-at-sight order.

One Tam-Brahm is a priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms is a maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms is a queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. Four
Tam-Brahms is a Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara .

One Bombayite is a footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites is a film studio.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the number of people standing on your foot in the
train at rush hour.!!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

Hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

Wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

Thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

Finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

Measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

Breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

Vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

Knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

Classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

Dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

Promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

Sent away as soon as possible.

Signed – Project Leader

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report

Sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)

For my true assessment of him.

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TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : “HIJKLMNO ! “!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it’s H to O !

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TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!

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TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell “crocodile”?
PAPPU : “K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L”

TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
PAPPU : I is…

TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, “I am.”
PAPPU : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER : “Can anybody give an example of ” COINCIDENCE?”

PAPPU : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

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TEACHER : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

PAPPU : “Because George still had the axe in his hand?”

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PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !

PAPPU: Yes it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair just like that at home.

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TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?

PAPPU: No sir, I don’t have to , my mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as yourbrother’s. Did you copy his ?

PAPPU: No, teacher, it’s the same dog !

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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PAPPU: A teacher

Put about 100 bricks in some
Particular order in a closed
Room with an
Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.

If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing .

If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other.
Put them in operations ..

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks
Into pieces.
Put them in information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried
Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has
Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for
The day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the
Window.
Put them on strategic
Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
Has been
Moved.

Congratulate them and put them
In top management.

Sickness & Related Leave: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you will need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work in done enough
[Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve, in writing, this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract and the stall door will open
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.’ The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain
. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!’

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he
knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.