Jokes


You Know you are having a bad day when…

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.

The doctor says you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

TRY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

Smile a while,
& when U smile,
smile another smile
& soon there will b miles
& miles of smile
bcoz you smiled .
i wish your day is full of SMILE

Girls misuse it! models sell it! photograhers cage it!
doctors advice it!death freezes it! artists create it! tats SMILE!
KEEP SMILING!!

SMILE:
S: Sets u free,
M: Makes u special,
I: Increases ur face value,
L: Lifts up ur spirits,
E: Erases all ur tensions,
So, please keep smiling.

Ksmile in ease
smile in pain
smile when trouble
pore like rain
smile whn someone hert ur fellings
smiles you know are very hailng

Dil to unke seene mein bhi machalta hoga..
husn bhi so-so rang badalta hoga..
Uthti hongi jab nagahein unki..
Khud “khuda” bhi gir-gir ke sambhalta hoga.

TODNE K LIYE WAADA KIYA NAHI JAATA
SOCH SAMAJ KAR PYAAR KIYA NAHI JAATA
YAKIN KARO DILDAAR PAR AGAR APNA HO TO
USSKE BINA EK PAL BHI JIYA NAHI JATA

Lamha Lamha Sanse Khatm Ho Rahi Hai,
Jindagi Maut Ke Pahluo Me So Rahi Hai,
Us Bewafa Se Mat Pucho Meri Maut Ki Wajah.
Wo To Bus Jamane Ko Dikhane Ke Liye Ro Rahi Hai.

Tamana koi bi mere dil ki poori Na hui.
Chahat ka koi afsana Na bana.
Aaj fir chali gai zindgi nazron Ke samne se
Or us se baat karne ka koi bahana Na bana .

Night has ended for another day,
morning has come in a special way.
May you smile like the sunny rays
and leaves your worries at the blue blue bay.

TEACHER: you call your Mother as MUM.
What will you call your Mother’s Younger Sister &
Elder Sister?
Sardar: So
simple, i’ll call them MINIMUM &
MAXIMUM

Shah Jahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko Dekha,
Har Meenar Ko Dekha, Har Kaleen Ko Dekha,
Har Khidki Se Dekha… Aur Bola… Maa Kasam, Bahut Kharcha Ho Gaya !!!

Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ?
Mind u – it’s really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp …..
I’m playing cards and we’ve misplaced the JOKER

Doctor’s prescription 4 u.
A cute little smile 4 breakfast.
More laughs 4 lunch.
Lots of happiness for dinner. Doctor’s fee?
An sms when u r free.

Do you know your 1 smile can make 100 peoples die,
so u can decrease this over population, so baby,
please keep on smiling.

Heart Can Skip Beats 4 a While
Memories can be kept in a file
A desert can replace the Nile
But…NOthing can stop a smile
when ur name appears on my mobile.

Khushi se dil ko aabad karna . . .
Aur gam ko dil se azad karna . . .
Hamari bus itni gujarish hai ke hame bhi
Din mein ek baar YAAD

Suna hai keh ap ki 1 smile par Log martay hain,
So keep smillind….
To reduce …
Population:) .

Smiling is infectious,
you catch it like the flu.
when someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner,
and someone saw my grin.
when he smiled I realized.
I’d passed it on to him!
I thought about that smile,
then I realized it’s worth.
a single smile just like mine,
could travel round the Earth

U know what is the largest word in english language.
“SmileS” bcoz there is mile between two “S”. (S mile S). So
spread smiles everywhere

It’s better to stay away from girls.
Only one or two can bring SMILE to your life,
remaining will steel your HAPPINESS from your life noty

Na ‘Sachhai’ badi hai,
Na ‘Khuddari’ badi hai,
Na ‘Bhalai’ badi hai,
Na ‘Imandari’ badi hai.
Bada woh hai jiske ghar ke bahar Mercedes Benz khadi hai.

………… ……… ………………… ……… ..

Munna Bhai : are circuit apun ko ek nurse se pyar ho gela hai letter me kya likhu ?
Circuit : simple bhai likhne ka ———
DeAr sIsTeR I LOVE U!

Tumhara munna bhai

………… ……… ………………… ……… ..

Mai Tumare Gum Me.
Pita
Gaya

Pita Gaya

Pita
Gaya

Pita Gaya

Pita
Gaya

Pita Gaya

Pita
Gaya

Kya
Kare

BaDa
ThumsUp

Khatam
Hi NaHi HoTa.

………… ……… ………………… ……… ..

Shadi karni thi Par kismat khuli nahi
Taj banana tha Par mumtaj mili nahi
Ek din kismat khuli Aur sadi ho gaye
Ab Taj banana hai Par ab ye mumtaj marti nahi

Love this DOCTOR!!!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it.. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: You’re not listening… . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways

Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO, What a Ride!

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see his friend NO KUM. Upon arrival at NO KUM`s home, I KUM found out that NO Kum was not at home.

NO KUM`s wife NO KUM TU invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came, which gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn`t know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

Until this day NO KUM doesn`t know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

This is a revised version of shot from Sholay, When Jay (Amitabh) goes to Mausi with the marriage Proposal of Veeru (Dharamendra) with Basanti (Hema).

Enjoy

Amitabh : Mausi, ladka Software Co. main kaam karta hai..

Mausi : Hai ram.. Kaam karta hai software co. main…??

Amitabh : Aajkal to salary bhi mil rahi hai use..

Mausi : To kya salary nahi milti thi..

Amitabh : Ab apraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi…..

Mausi : Hai hai …To kya apraisal bhi nahi hoti uska..

Amitabh : Senior se ladai karne ke baad apraisal mein achhi rating to nahin na milti hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladta bhi hai..

Amitabh : Ab der raat tak ghar jaane ko na mille to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..

Mausi : To kya der raat tak ghar bhi nahin jataa..

Amitabh : Ab engineers ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladka engineer hai..

Mausi : Kaunse college se kiya..

Amitabh : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!

Amitabh : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???

Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le par Software engineer se katai nahin karegi…..

1 Aadmi ne kaha ki aise zindagi se toh maut achhi…Achanak Yamdoot aa gaye..or bole…”Tumhari jaan lene ka hukm hai”Aadmi- Lo batao,Ab Insaan mazak bhi nahi kar sakta hai kya…?

Flower + Bee = A BEAUTIFUL sceneStar + Moon = A ROMANTIC eveningRain + Monsoon = A LOVELY weatherYOU + Your smile = Tussi bhi na………. .dara dete ho….

Police ne raat ke 1 baje sharab ke nashe main tunn ek aadmi ko pakad kar pucha..Raat ke ek baje tum Kahan ja rahe ho..?Aadmi – Main sharab peene ke dush parinam per lecture sunne ja raha hun…Police – Itni raat main tumhe kaun lecture dega..?Aadmi – Mere biwi…

Munna : Mamu tu kitna padha hai ?

Mamu : B.A.

Munna : aaila..do aksar padha hai aur woh bhi ulta ? ? ? ?

Present this to your boss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Certified Software Professional

Certified that Mr./Miss_________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from ‘time-bound’ illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as ” Come over weekend..”, “Let’s work on holiday..”, ” Leave cannot be granted..” etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your project deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/-

Dr. Impatient

Cyber Clinic

Life before marriage is AIRTEL
” u can express ur self “.

Cool Sunny Yahoo Groups

During honeymoon is RELIANCE-
” Always get in Touch “.

After Honeymoon is HUTCH
” Wherever u go ur wife network follows”.

After one year Life is IDEA
” ur wife can change ur life “.

After 10 years Life is BSNL
” Subscriber is not reachable “?????????

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