Jokes


During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies “Wait a minute, I’m going for a pee”

The teacher says : “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says : “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. ”

The teacher passed out

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

A little girl asked her father: How did the human race appear? The father answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed. The confused girl returns to her father and says: Dad how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says they were developed from monkeys.

The father replied: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your Mom told you about her side…

This is when Amitabh Bachaan got fit and fine after his long illness….. one fine morning he told his driver vijay “Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge..”.

driver, “Par saab aapki tabyat?..”

amitabh “Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he vijay, I am fit and fine…kya disco karke dikhau, dialogue, stunt karkee dikhau…… .Hain”

Ok then he starts driving the car very fast…. breaks first red signal…… …

breaks second red signal…… ….

breaks on third red signal…… …..

Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..

Tells the driver to come out… “Chalo saheb lisaaaan dikhao, PUC, gaadi ke kagjaaat…baher nikaalo”

Sees amitabh “are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!” he is very suprised to see him….

…..

Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior inspectors ….

“Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par…”

Sir “KYun kya hua??”

Havaldar: “Sir ek gaadi ne signal todla hai ani me us gaadi ko side me rakha he”

Sir: “To phir?”

hawaldar: “Sir, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir …. mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye ..”

Sir “KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??”

HAWALDAR : “WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NA SIR …

LEKIN AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI ….”.

Aap hamare dil me base ho….. Wah,Wah….. Aap
hamare dil me base ho…..
Thoda side me ho jao,
BLOOD wali Pipe me fase Ho….!

As we are approaching April 2008, we need to remind
ourselves………… ……… …..!!!
APRIL FOOL

Most of us celebrate April fool day every year and
fool each other. But how many of us know the bitter
facts hidden behind it. It was around a thousand years
ago that

Spain was ruled by Muslims. And the Muslim power in
Spain was so strong that it couldn’t be destroyed. The
Christians of the west wished to wipe out Islam from
all parts of the world and they did succeed to quite
an extent. But when they tried to eliminate Islam in
Spain and conquer it, they failed. They tried several
times but never succeeded.

The unbelievers then sent their spies in Spain to
study the Muslims there and find out what was the
power they possessed and they found that their power
was TAQWA. The Muslims of Spain were not just Muslims
but they were practicing Islam. They not only read the
Quran but also acted upon it. When the Christians
found the power of the Muslims they started thinking
of strategies to break this power. So they started
sending alcohol and cigarettes to Spain free of cost.
This technique of the west worked out and it started
weakening the faith of the Muslims in particular the
young generation of Spain.

The result was that the Catholics of the west wiped
out Islam and conquered the entire
Spain bringing an end to the EIGHT HUNDRED LONG YEARS’
RULE OF THE MUSLIMS in Spain. The last fort of the
Muslims to fall was Grenada (Gharnatah), which was on
the 1st of April. From that year onwards, every year
they celebrate April fools day on the 1st of April,
celebrating the day, they made a fool of the Muslims.
They did not make a fool of the Muslim army at
Gharnatah only, but of the whole Muslim Ummah.
We, the Muslims, were fooled by the unbelievers. They
have a reason to celebrate April fool day, to keep up
the spirit.

Dear brothers and sisters, when we join in this
celebration, we do so out of ignorance. If we had
known about it, we would never have celebrated our own
downfall. So now, that we are aware of it, and now let
us promise that we shall never celebrate this day. We
should learn our lesson from the people of
Spain, and shall try to become practicing Muslims,
never to let anybody weaken our faith.
Please forward this message to as many Muslims as you
know. The more people you forward it to the greater
will be the reward from your Lord in this world and in
the life hereafter. Please try to do it before the 1st
of April, to create awareness that

WE ARE NOT FOOLS ANYMORE.

April Fool SMS Jokes

Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, “51 days! 51 Days!!” About five minutes later,
another Sardar walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a
picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, “51 days!51 days!!

The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the Sardar and asks, “What on earth are you doing??” “Well,” the Sardar says,
“everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
Shayari

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said “I don’t think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat.”

” Is the man of the house home?”, they asked.

“No”, she replied. “He’s out.”

“Then we cannot come in”, they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

“Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”

The woman went out and invited the men in”

” We do not go into a House together,” they replied.

“Why is that?” she asked.

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How n ice!!”, he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?”

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!”

“Let us heed our daughter’s advice,” said the husband to his wife.

“Go out and invite Love to be our guest .”

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, “Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.”

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?”

The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!”
Love SMS
Funny SMS

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father’s fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.
The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, ‘But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn’t let go.’

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He’s been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way but sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That’s when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. Never judge another person’s scars, because you don’t know how they got them. Also, it is so important that we are not selfish, to receive the blessings of these messages, without forwarding them to someone else.

Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them, too - enough to not let them go.

Always Tell Your Family

And Friends How Much You Love Them!!!

Love Poems

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night

And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night

and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!

all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.

They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean.

The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,

All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name…….. ……… ……..( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst ?……….. ….( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …..!!!

« Previous PageNext Page »

Google